


lose my mind

by artsyleo



Series: comfortember 2020 [26]
Category: EastEnders (TV)
Genre: Angst, Break Up, Emotional Hurt, Fix-It, Hopeful Ending, Hurt, Hurt No Comfort, Light Angst, M/M, Pining, Tumblr Prompt, i dont know what to tag this i am like half asleep
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-27
Updated: 2020-11-27
Packaged: 2021-03-09 18:41:34
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,388
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27730936
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/artsyleo/pseuds/artsyleo
Summary: comfortember prompt day 26 - junk foodepisode fix it for after callum's date with simon, where lexi does see callum
Relationships: Callum "Halfway" Highway/Ben Mitchell
Series: comfortember 2020 [26]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1995826
Comments: 12
Kudos: 57





	lose my mind

**Author's Note:**

> this one is in reference to a kinda old ep because this was the first thing that came to my head for this prompt but the ep is 17th jan 2020 x

Seeing Ben there- it’s  _ painful _ , beyond what he ever thought it could be. Sure, he’s never really had a breakup before, bar Whitney - and that hadn’t exactly been a  _ normal  _ breakup - but this feels like so much more than that. It feels like his heart is being ripped from his chest, feels like he just wants to scream and cry and  _ beg _ , and he’s never felt like this before. He feels helpless, and he hates it. That’s the worst thing- not knowing what he’s supposed to do now. He can’t exactly just move on with his life, not when he doesn’t know where he stands now. 

That’s why he leaves the man - Simon, Callum thinks his name was - behind at the bar. He’s nice enough, and he talks of love like it’s something special and treasured, which Callum respects. Except love to him now takes the shape of something else-  _ someone  _ else, really. 

But he refuses to think about it. 

He walks back through the square once he’s left, the night air feeling somehow even more suffocating than the atmosphere in the bar. He’s not sure where he’s supposed to go now so he just walks without an aim, follows where his feet start to take him. He can’t exactly go back to the flat, where Stuart and Rainie will be waiting for the details on the date that he’s abandoned. It’s just too much of a reminder that he’s expected to move on, like it’s actually possible. 

He stops still when he spots Ben and Lexi outside of the chicken shop. He’s not sure why he’s ended up around here- maybe his stomach is longing for something greasy, or maybe it’s something more like fate. He’s not sure which he really believes. It  _ hurts _ to see them there and he just wants to go up to them, to  _ Ben _ , beg him for what, he’s not even sure. 

When Lexi catches his eyes, he doesn’t know what he’s supposed to do. He’s gotten to know the little girl over the past few months and he adores her- she’s so much like Ben in all the best ways. She’s strong, and self assured and so confident, but she’s careful and caring too. They’ve gotten to know each other more and where he’d once refused to dream up a future like that, he’d spent too many nights imagining him and Ben having their own kids, a couple of siblings for Lexi. He’d never been particularly fond of kids, but it feels like everything with ben is different. 

Her face lights up from across the alley, and it’s bittersweet and painful. They haven’t seen each other in ages now, and he hates to admit that he’s missed her over Christmas. He’d spent most of Christmas day wondering what they’d be doing- whether Ben would be with his family, whether him and Lexi would be together or not. He’d refused to let himself imagine being there with them, but it hadn’t stuck for long. 

Ben might say something to try and call her back when she runs in his direction, but it’s soon drowned out. 

“Callum!” she shouts, a happy grin on her face. It’s all too fucking painful, because he should be pushing her away right now, knowing he’s no longer with Ben so he has  _ no right _ , but the grin on her face makes it impossible. He leans down when she gets to him, wraps his arms around her when she leans in to hug him. Callum can feel the way Ben’s eyes are boring into him but he can’t bear to look. They haven’t talked  _ since when _ , and he’s not sure what to say, if there’s anything he can say to fix whatever’s happened. 

“Hey, Lex,” he says, hoping the fake-happiness in his voice passes over her head. He doesn’t exactly want to lie to her but he doesn’t know what she knows and the absolute last thing he wants to do is upset her. “How was your Christmas?” 

“It was amazing, I got loads of cool presents,” she replies, happy smile on red, wind-bitten cheeks. “Where were you? Dad was miserable without you.” 

The mention makes him flinch, and he looks up a little to find Ben stood there just a little behind the two of them, facing away from Callum like this is just as painful for him as it is for Callum. He’s staring ahead, back down the alley he came from, a hand running over his jaw. He’s let his stubble grow out a little in the way Callum always loved, and it makes everything just that little bit worse- the perhaps blind thought that he’s done this because of Callum subconsciously. 

He pushes through it all, encouraged by the expectant look on Lexi’s face. 

“I just had someone to go and see, an old friend I visited for Christmas,” he says, and Ben turns back to him for a moment at that. There’s a blend of confusion and guilt and pity on his face, because he knows Callum doesn’t have any  _ old friends _ . Ben sees through his lie unlike anyone else, even his own brother. Ben knows him, unlike everyone else and that in itself is painful. 

“Well Dad missed you,” she says as if it’s the simplest thing in the world, as if he’s actually just been away for a little holiday and he hasn’t watched his world crumble around him these past couple of weeks. “I told him you’d come back if he asked you to.” 

That-  _ that’s  _ what gets him. Maybe it’s because it’s too painfully true, that he’d beg at Ben’s feet if he thought there was any chance that he could get Ben back. It seems Ben feels it too, because he looks back around and their eyes connect for a minute, blue against blue. It's too much, when he can see the guilt and anger swirling inside of Ben but knows there’s really nothing he can do. Time stops for a moment, and suddenly Callum’s stuck here, and there’s almost nowhere else he’d rather be, except in Ben’s arms. At least this way he can try and pretend like they’re together, taking Lexi home themselves and putting her to bed together. None of it’s true though, and he doesn’t know if it ever could be again. 

Ben tears himself away eventually, looking back down the alley and holding a hand out to Lexi. “Come on darlin’ we need to get you home so you can eat your food.” 

Lexi sighs, completely put upon and painfully, so much like Ben. She leans forward to hug again, arms tightening around him, before she pulls away. 

“You should come around soon, I wanna show you my Christmas presents!” she says excitedly, walking back to grab a hold of Ben’s hand. 

“Yeah, yeah, that sounds nice Lex,” he laughs gently, and it’s another empty promise. So much of his life at the minute feels like that- empty words and things that have been left unsaid, but he doesn’t know how else to deal with it. Lexi starts to walk off in the direction of the alley that her and Ben had come from, and Ben turns back for a minute. He opens his mouth, as if he’s about to say something- as if there’s something on the tip of his tongue that could answer everything, could change how the next few weeks pan out. He takes a breath, ready and waiting, then shakes his head a little and closes it. Instead, he offers Callum a small smile and turns back to where his daughter is already well ahead of him. 

Callum’s shoulders drop as soon as they’re out of sight. He feels lost all over again, thrown off by everything and he doesn’t quite know what he’s supposed to do next. He doesn’t know if this changes things, or what any of the things that he’s seen on Ben’s face mean and he’s starting to doubt whether he’ll ever figure it out. 

He walks back through the streets, back through cold stale air, feeling even more at loss than he had at the beginning of the night but there’s something else burning in his chest too, when he remembers Ben about to talk. It’s cautiously burning there, but it feels like hope. 

**Author's Note:**

> im very tired but i think i kinda like this, like lots of pining and ive always wanted to write this bit heh, i hope the scene isn't too old   
> comments and kudos mean the world to me, i hope you enjoyed and lots of love to u   
> leo x (tumblr is artsy-highway)


End file.
